I hope you don't delete after the first sentence....

If you are anything like me you will probably delete this email after the first sentence or two. I really do judge your listserve submissions on their headlining first sentence. If you preach at me then DELETE. If you try and tell me something life-affirming then DELETE. I am not being mean spirited I just think most of us don't know what to say when we win this lottery and so we try to be all noble and knowing. Usually it just doesn't work and I quickly become disinterested. I am also way beyond the demographic of the listserve. You all appear to be early 20's with blogs and stuff. I am in my 40's and wouldn't know what a blog is. I also seem to get a lot of emails from Americans. I find Americans to be ever so slightly gullible. Just saying. Great teeth though.

Anyway, he is my stab at a decent listserve:

I work for the emergency services in the UK and so I thought I would share a few 'inappropriate 999' calls with you all:

'my online shopping has not arrived...' Really. I mean how is this a 999 call? Unless you have ordered life saving blood plasma I am hanging up right now.

'there is a cat in the street. It is meowing. It's owner may be hurt....' Oh come on. It's not fucking Lassie.

'there is a dog barking. It's owner may be hurt....' Jesus Christ. The dog may be Lassie but we no longer have wells which people fall down.

'There is a family of ducks crossing the road.....'. Are you seeing a pattern here? We Brits are a nation of animal lovers. We in the emergency services take a sterner view. Mamma duck will have to take her chances.

'I am drunk, can I have a lift home from the police?'. Sod off.

'The horror film on the TV is scaring me...' Kill me now.

'My ex-wife will not let me see the children....' That's because you punched her on the nose. Go see a solicitor Rocky.

'There is a bailiff at the door trying to take my car/house/TV/cat/dog (delete as appropriate)...'. Pay your bills like the rest of us.

'I am homeless because I turned my house into a crack den and the council evicted me. You have to find me somewhere to live...' No I don't.

All of the above really are genuine 999 calls made to the police. The one about the cat meowing was not taken by me - the rest were. By inappropriately using 999 they stop real emergencies from being answered quickly. Enough preaching.

Thank you to the Listserve for providing me with a daily email - some are dull but sometimes there is an absolute cracker waiting for me in my inbox. Feel free to over feedback - if you live by the sword etc...


regards to all, wherever you may be (probably the USA),

Mark.
thelistserve[AT]yahoo.co.uk
Northern England

Comments

Post a Comment

Favorites

This is a puzzle.

Beyond this message a challenge awaits; In the listserve, no links are allowed, what a cruel fate! The first clue must be deciphered by ROT 8. . Let me know and just email if your brain needs a spark Your first clue is just after this punctuation mark / dsoqwj vwxwfvafy lge jgtafkgf af lg cadd s egucafytajv Listserve Puzzle listservepuzzle[AT]gmail.com
Read more

21,612 is a lot

Hi, everyone. I'm a teenaged girl. I'm not arrogant enough to think that I know much about the world. I'm 18, a freshman in college, and I struggle every day trying to see into the future: into what might be, where I might go. Recently I've decided that my destiny in life is to be a high-school biology teacher, but ask me again later and perhaps that will have changed. One thing I feel passionate about is body modification. Somehow my standards of beauty have developed in a way that put piercings, tattoos, implants and scarification at the forefront. However, my parents have threatened to cut off their funding for my education if I modify myself in any way. I already have piercings, and though my family will never see them due to their private locations, I would love to be able to share this important part of my life with them and express myself through modification in a more public way. Essentially, they have rejected my lifestyle, and through this, they have
Read more

Tiny wings

Hi all, I want to write about a subject that is very close to my heart - bees! I started bee keeping last year, and have two colonies right now. These two already managed to supply my family and my friends with more than enough honey, and keeping the bees is a tremendously satisfying activity. They smell so good, and are very tidy animals, and are just very, very interesting overall. The insects' way of dealing with the world is just so very different from how we as mammals approach it - it seems almost alien. Anyways, what is probably most impressive is the workload these little animals deal with. For one kilo of honey, they visit 4 million flowers, and fly a distance equivalent of more than 4 times around the earth. Think about that for a second. And then, if you start to think about how they "furniture" their housing themselves by the wax they sweat out, how they can control temperature inside the hive to the tenth of a degree, how they collectively make decisions i
Read more