Monday, December 16, 2013

I am a failure

The worst part about being self-aware and sorry for yourself is that it makes it possible to feel bad about feeling bad. 

It's funny that as soon as you have ambition, other's success seems like an insult. Especially if that other's success is in the same field in which your passion lies. Maybe that's not funny. 

So why am I a failure? 

It's not because I've tried to be published and failed. It's not because I've tried to write for competitions and failed. And (given the fact that I make enough money to support myself, live on my own and am generally happy) it's not even that the incredible smallness of my troubles makes me feel so terrible.

And here's the best part! The best part; I had a great upbringing. I'm white and male. I went to great schools and am completely privileged. My biggest problem when writing? I have nothing to write about. No foster homes. No financial struggles. No, go-to true story of hardship that just rolls onto the page. I don't even have the moral position to even think of looking for pity from strangers because the thing that plagues me is so ridiculously un-pitiable. I am an antagonist! i am a bad person for feeling bad about the real and actual fortune that has led to this fanciful and gutless misfortune I feel! And I know that!

Isn't that just f*cking amazing! Ridiculous. I should be the happiest man alive. But I'm not.

So why am I really a failure? 

Because I know what I have to do to succeed.

I need to have the balls to leave a comfortable job and take my writing more seriously. I need to get off the damn internet and take a bit of control of my life. I need to stop being so damn lazy and actually do something about the one thing that I feel true passion for. I am a failure because I know exactly what I need to do to stop failing, yet I lack the courage to do it. 

I am a failure.

But maybe I won't always be.

M. Willis
willis.the.listserve[AT]gmail.com

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