Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Worry

“Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.”
― Henry James

I lost my father this past September. I lost my only sibling, my brother, in November 2010. He was only 46. My dad, 69. I just turned 46 and I’m mildly freaked out that I will die this year - just because, yanno, my brother went at this age. It’s one of those irrational thoughts that occasionally crosses my mind and decides to sit there for a while to see how I will react. It would be one thing if I lived my brothers life style, but I don’t and if there is anything my father taught me, it was to take care of my body and pay attention to the signs it gives me. He did not. He suffered. A lot. It was painful to watch, but how could I not? At least I could be there for him when he needed me. And he did need me - and that felt good. When he died, I was by his side, holding his hand. He went peacefully. My brother left with no warning and, maybe because he was the first closest to me to die, I miss him terribly.

I used to suffer and worry over things like this, constantly. I used to be the doormat in relationships. I used to second guess myself and where my outward appearance showed confidence, I was a complete mess inside. I always considered myself a victim. That someone or something did me wrong when all I was trying to do was do the right thing, be loved by someone, love as much as I could, help everyone and just be someone to someone. What was wrong with that? It seemed no one understood me. So I suffered. Constantly. My biggest question to myself, that I always asked myself when I was crying because I was so misunderstood was ‘Why?’. Why me? Why now? Why this? Why that?

Really, who cares why? There is a meme on the internet:
Do you have a problem? Yes. Can you do something about it? Yes. Then why worry?
Do you have a problem? Yes. Can you do something about it? No. Then why worry?
Do you have a problem? No. Then why worry?

I became aware of my own thinking(worrying) and that I was unaware that the contribution of my thinking(worrying) was my suffering. This is what’s called being attached. Attached to ideas and notions about how I think things should be instead of simply accepting things as how they are... good, bad or indifferent.

Why worry? Why suffer? Why think about the future, why think about the past? I learned through suffering that it was necessary to let go of why. The only way to do that, for me, was meditation. Meditation helped me understand that if I think about anything other than RIGHT NOW, it brings worry. It also does not allow you to be present with yourself and those around you. You also miss everything. EVERYTHING. It also breeds resentment, and anger, and sadness and suffering and nervousness and anxiety and torment.

Live for RIGHT NOW. Think for RIGHT NOW…. this present moment, the only moment we will ever have.


Fell free to write back.


Sincerely,

Heidi
HSoults[AT]gmail.com
Fresno, CA

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